In case you couldn’t already tell, I’m an introvert. So of course working at a restaurant interacting with people all day is the perfect job for me. I honestly don’t know how I was hired. But it’s the best training for anyone who wants to work in Hollywood. Having a thick skin is required to deal with our clientele. It’s a humbling experience. But also a great place for a writer. Sometimes I feel like a psychologist examining human specimens in the wild. Here are a few archetypes you encounter while working in a Hollywood restaurant:
Let me preface this by saying this category isn’t meant to be racist. I’m specifically referring to the rich Persians who frequent my restaurant. They act as if I should roll out a red carpet and magically make available tables appear for them a la the Genie from Aladdin (okay, that was racist).
The Old Rich Guys
My restaurant has been in business for over 30 years. And some people have been coming since we opened. So you can imagine how old they are. For example, there is a group of old guys that come in on Saturdays that we refer to as: the husbands. They are only served by a veteran server who I’m told materialized within the restaurant the day it opened. They are her husbands. Most of them are sweet some of them are pervs. Actually most of them are sweet pervs.
We get a lot of random celebrities at my restaurant. And it’s just like US Weekly says: Celebs, they’re just like us. Sorry no crazy diva behavior to report. Well this one time Eric Benet asked for the WiFi password. I gave it to him but I told him the connection sucked. He tried it and said I was right, the connection does suck. So yeah they are probably the most normal customers we have.
Tourists ask me a million questions about the menu, what celebs I’ve seen, and how to get to the [insert tourist location]. And if they are foreign tourists they most likely won’t leave a tip. Because tipping isn’t a thing in their country.
The Gold Diggers
These are the girls who are freshly spray tanned, have on airbrushed makeup, a club dress and heels at 12pm on a Tuesday, and always ask to be seated on the patio (where they can be seen). I’ve been told by the rich old guys that we see these types in larger numbers around the end of the month trying to find a sponsor to pay their rent.
The Industry People
These are the people having business meetings talking about the new projects they are working on and artists they are looking at. I’m sure I’ve overheard enough industry conversations that they should have me sign an NDA.
The girl who decided to quit her day job to be a struggling artist. She pretends to be an extrovert. She struggles to keep a permanent smile on her face. And she is sometimes engaged in awkward conversations with customers because most of the time she has no idea what they are talking about.