The Sanctuary

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In addition to managing an adult playground, I spend a lot of time eavesdropping listening to women’s conversations at Pop Physique. I always hope I’ll hear some juicy gossip like, “Nancy’s husband is cheating on her with his secretary and the nanny”, or “Nancy’s husband is a prison guard and just impregnated one of his inmates and they are framing the creepy guard with the mustache for rape so they can live happily ever after.” (Sorry I just finished season 2 of Orange is the New Black).  Usually the women just talk about work and their kids.  For example, I learned that the second kid is easier to pop out than the first. Speaking of the miracle of life, there’s a birthing center upstairs from Pop Physique. It’s called ‘The Sanctuary’ and they do water births. I’ve never been up there but I imagine tons of neutral colors, Yankee candles, waterfall machines, and the echos of screaming mothers to be.  Today I saw a woman go up to The Sanctuary wrapped in quilts and a tribe of hippies walking behind her including a man with a guitar. I could only imagine what kind of hippy seance style birth was going to take place upstairs. Later they came downstairs holding a baby with a peace sign on it’s forehead! Actually she came downstairs about an hour later, still preggos, false alarm.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be if I had a child. In my ideal situation, my husband (James Franco) and I  have busy Hollywood lives. We take our beautiful mulatto child to all our red carpet events. And Faith (that’s our baby’s name), is BFF’s with Blu Ivy and they grow up and start a girl group called Destiny’s Other Child. But seriously, everyone wants a baby but no one wants what that baby grows up to be. No one says; ‘I can’t wait to have a bratty teenager that hates me or a maladjusted 30 year old who moves back home”.  Almost all my friends from high school have kids now so whenever we get together they share their birthing stories like they were in Nam (Vietnam) together. I try to relate. But period cramps are no match for excruciating contractions. So while I wait for James to determine his sexuality maybe I’ll go take a tour of The Sanctuary. I wonder if they’d let me play Easy-E’s “Boys in the Hood” while I give birth?

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