How are you a person?


People in LA are weird. Or should I say “LA people” are weird. The snobby, rich, superficial, vapid, assholes – these are the people that give LA a bad rep. These are the people that tourists come to see, to reaffirm their stereotypes. I’ve always been anti-LA people, but I never really knew what these people were like until I started working in a West Hollywood restaurant. I’ve watched girls walk in so distracted by taking selfies, they can’t find their party that’s seated right in front of them. I’ve seen parties enjoy a full course meal while never looking up from their phones. And while I’m standing in front of the hostess post, people walk past me to seat themselves and then look at me crazy when I hand them a menu! I always think “how are you a person?” Like how do you live in your tiny boring bubble of self involvedness? Yes, involvedness.

There’s one guy who comes in every week and refuses to sit next to kids, which is fine. I get it. Kids are loud and sometimes disgusting to eat by, but it’s not that he just won’t sit near them, he needs to either sit in another section or leave the restaurant completely. It’s like he’s allergic to kids. Either that, or he’s a weird warlock creature who hates kids because they bring joy and love into the world breaking his immortality spell. That’s my exact thought every time he says, “I don’t want to sit near those kids.”

Then  there was also this old guy (over 70) who was having lunch with a younger woman (maybe 30). A party of about eight really old people (over 70) were seated next to him and his young date. He asked if he could be moved because he didn’t want to sit next to “all those geriatrics”. It’s the equivalent of me asking to not be seated next to a bunch of 30 year olds while I’m on a date with a teenager. The logic behind his request/statement? He didn’t want his obvious gramps chaser date to replace him for another old man boo?


The reality is these people don’t live in reality. Or least not the reality that we all live in. Sometimes I have a hard time smiling and being the ray of sunshine in the midst of all these horrible people. I just imagine them as babies. Babies that were once cute and innocent. And for some reason didn’t get enough love or were raised by even more horrible people.  Then I feel sorry for them. And then I laugh when I think about what they looked like as a baby.



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