This Bit*h

In my frantic search for my next gig, I applied to a Craigslist job posting  for a media company.  I was a little reluctant because the job posting mentioned unscripted TV, and anyone who knows me knows I despise reality TV. Like if I was a CIA agent captured by terrorists and they wanted to torture me, they would have to make me watch every episode of Keeping up with the Kardashins in order to get our launch codes. But seriously, reality TV is the dumbing down of America here to ensure we end up like the society in Idiotcracy. Nonetheless, I took my resume along with my preconceived notions to the interview.

When I walked off the elevator for some reason there was a giant taxidermy wolf to my right that scared the shit out of me. First red flag. I was about 15 mins early and told the receptionist who I was there to see.  As I waited, I looked around the room at all their reality TV show posters I didn’t recognize. I stuck my nose up at how small the office was in comparison to the large cable network I was just working for. Then I thought, “Am I too good for this place?” Typically, I’m not an arrogant person,  my short stint at this cable network hadn’t made me a TV company snob; but, I couldn’t help feeling like I didn’t belong here. There was also a small TV in the lobby that was playing some show the company produced called Marriage Bootcamp. Sounds totally interesting and informative right? I sat there watching Marriage Bootcamp and even on mute I wanted to slit my wrists.

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Then I see another girl walk in and say, “I have an interview with Jody at 5:15”.  My interview was at 5:00 and it was already 5:10.  Second red flag.  My hatred for this place began to grow even more.  Finally, I was escorted back by Jody, the bubbly Executive Assistant who’s position I was interviewing for.  She took me to a room where another girl was waiting to interview me too.  She didn’t introduce herself nor did she shake my hand.  It was at that moment that I knew she was going to be a total bitch.  And because she was such a bitch (a name I don’t use lightly) I don’t remember her actual name.  So I’ll make one up.  Ummmm… Bitch.   So Bitch starts out by asking me about myself, however; she stared at me as if everything I said wasn’t anything she was looking for.  As if my life story wasn’t factual or interesting enough for her. So I ended my brief bio fast while she fired another question at me.

Bitch: So what shows are you watching?

Me: I love Modern Family, Mindy’s Show, Girls–*interrupted by Bitch *

Bitch: What about Blackish?

Me: *Tilts head to the side* My roommate actually works on the show. It’s not terrible, I just don’t find it that f—*interrupted by Bitch again*

****Side note**** I did not make reference to Bitch’s race, but I think its pertinent to this situation to know that she and Jody are both Caucasian.****

Bitch: Oh my god, Blackish is way funnier than Modern Family. (Looks at Jody for validation) The episode with the black bar mitzvah was hilarious.

Me: *fake smile*
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The interview lasted a grueling 5-8 more mins of Bitch telling me how:
 1) She doesn’t see why Jody brought me in for an interview because I’m clearly under qualified for the position…
2) She saw I graduated in 2007 and that she graduated in 2008, “so whatever”.
3) There are some other positions I could apply for, like being on set and logging what happens on Marriage Bootcamp. That’s when I actually slit my writs during the interview.

When it was all over, I very politely told her to keep me in mind for the other positions and that it was really nice meeting with them. My smile was so fake, that even fake was like, “Damn that was fake.” I walked to my car, got in, and screamed, “WHAT A FUCKING BITCH!”

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