WWMD (What Would Miranda do)

As a kid I used to think the archetypal single 30-year-old woman getting set up by her friends and family was just something comedy writers wrote into shows for laughs; until I became single and 30. That actually sounds like an R.L Stine older adult horror novel. And if this were the olden days I would be labeled a spinster destined to die alone. But what does it mean in 2015? Umm, that I’m normal.  It still doesn’t save me from all the well intentioned (unwanted) hook up offers from friends.

The other day it got so bad a friend tried to hook me up with a guy SHE met on Tinder, that she thought would be perfect for me. He was a stand up comedian that seemed to have my same witty charm but I’m sure I’ll probably end up being the punchline of one his jokes. That’s when I said WWMD (What would Miranda do). That’s right I’m a Miranda with a sketchy Carrie past. Miranda would probably say, “I appreciate your efforts but no thank you.” Maybe I’ll meet my Steve one day. Hopefully he won’t be a bartender though, no offense to bartenders.

Speaking of meeting guys, where do you meet them? That wasn’t a rhetorical question, I actually have no idea where or how to meet decent guys. Then I realized they are all online dating.  So I’ve tried (and by tried I mean I’ve made a profile, browsed the options and deleted the app after I was quickly let down by my “matches/suitors”.) But there’s a distinct difference in the quality of men depending on which dating app you’re using.

My classification is:  Plenty Of Fish-hook ups and weirdos, OKCupid (More like “OkStupid”) hook ups and weirdos, Tinder hook ups with weirdos. Then there is eHarmony, my fail safe.

I always said when I was really ready for a relationship I would just make an eHarmony account. I’ve seen their commercials; I even interviewed at the company and saw their wall of fame of successful relationships. So I know it would be inevitable for me to find love. So I created a profile. However, some marketing genius over there came up with the idea of letting you create a profile, post a picture, and even receive messages but not allow you to view those messages or matches until you pay the fee. I almost did until I realized the cost of a subscription was a PS3. Was I ready to make such an expensive commitment? The price alone let me know that every man on this site was serious about finding love. But was I so sure? I decided I still had hope of meeting “the one” in real life and that I would rather the use the money buy an actual PS3. They have awesome games!

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Get your kids, please.

 I’ve already discussed a few choice things that grind my gears about working in a Hollywood restaurant. Mostly it’s the rich people. I feel like Holden Caulfield observing all the phonies.

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What I notice most is that some of these people have terrible kids. As much as I hate to judge people, especially kids, it’s true. But it’s not their fault. It’s their parents’ fault for being so distracted with being rich that they don’t have time to develop normal parenting skills. Parenting to them is picking the right nanny.

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Speaking of which, I’ve seen a woman have lunch with her 2 year old son and her two, yes two, nannies! Why would a 2 year old need the supervision of 3 adult women? Maybe one is a traveling nanny and the other one a stay at home nanny? It saddened me when I saw the mother hand the kid off to one of the nannies to go blow bubbles with him. I thought, Oh, you too good to blow bubbles with your son?

Then there are the people who pay absolutely no attention to their kids at all. They can run around, jump on tables, set their parents on fire and the parents will not even blink. They just keep sipping their espresso and continuing their conversation. I never know what to do when I see a child run miles down the street and the parent sees this and does nothing. One time I saw the parents signal the kid to come back but the kid only ran further away.

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But they all aren’t tiny terrors. There are a few parents who have the most adorable well behaved kids ever. And these people are usually great parents from what I can see. These are the kids that make me want to…..tell my friends and family to have another baby so I can babysit them. But seriously, I pray that when I do have kids they are just as chill as I am. If not I’ll just have nanny #3 take them to Disneyland or something. Wait, who am I kidding, I fu*king love Disneyland! I’d just go there by myself and take pics and video  then show my kid(s) what they were missing by acting up!
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#oldpeopleproblems

I’m getting old. Which used to be a hard pill to swallow. But now I just swallow my many vitamins, anti aging tonics, and accept it. Aside from the obvious physical changes; slower metabolism, grey hairs popping up, and having to brush my teeth all the time to ward off old people breath, there are a few other things that indicate my journey into geriatrics.

 

I’m a public radio station member. I have no problem supporting KCRW because it’s the shit! But if 21 year old Kiana were asked to join a public supported radio station she might say; “Talk radio is for old people”.

I enjoy various soups. Classic old people meal. And the other day I even made tomato soup from scratch! That exclamation point was genuine excitement by the way.

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I care about what goes on in the world. Not that I didn’t care about what went on the world before I became 30. I just realized that one day my generation will be running things so I pray they get their shit together.

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I try to dress age appropriate. I have to stop myself from buying novelty tees with trendy sayings on them like; “I woke up like this” or “Twerk Team Captain”.

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Friends with benefits are out of the question. What do I look like? A 21 year old? A basketball ‘wife’? Video vixen? A chick with low self esteem? I think you get the point.

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I pay bills when I receive them (sometimes)There’s nothing like the feeling of having your bills paid weeks before they’re due.– Some old person.

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I love shopping for home goods. I should probably get a tattoo of Trader Joes & Target so they know it’s real. Evevn though I don’t have a family to shop for I’ve come to the conclusion that is impossible to spend less than $50 on any Traget trip. And I have to go to Trader Joes at least twice a week to re up on produce and my favorite snacks.
I enjoy early bedtimes and naps. Who ever said they can sleep when they die must have had a sad tired life. With my schedule and aspirations I need all the rest I can get.
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I play the lotto occasionally. Not because I think I will win but because that’s just what old people do.

I don’t know who new celebrities are. I have to stay current on my pop culture so it saddens me when I don’t know the difference between an Ariana Grande or a Vanessa Hudgens. That’s the same thing right?

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Happy New Year! (F*ck New Year’s Eve)

I love the new year. It’s full of new possibilities and opportunities. However, I hate New Year’s Eve! It’s so bad they even made a terrible movie in it’s honor, New Year’s Eve.  New Year’s Eve is the ultimate forced holiday. You have to pretend like it’s the apocalypse for fear of having an unlucky year. You have to get extremely wasted, go to a party, and make out with someone at midnight. Who made these rules? An LMFAO member? Which I believe if you play an LMFAO record backwards it tells you to kill yourself.
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I’m single so there’s nothing like being around a group of drunk people who have their significant others or their significant kissing buddy at midnight. New Years Eve is a special time so why would I want to spend it with a bunch of drunk strangers? And it’s over at 12 a.m.! So you look forward to this night for days, weeks, sometimes even months, to go out at say 10 p.m. , do a countdown two hours later,  and that’s it? Most uneventful shit ever. It’s like we’re expecting the world to change when we say 1. But nothing changes. You’re still at the same party, listening to the same music, drinking the same drinks.
  images-14images-15Now that I’m over the hill (30) I’ve started my own New Year’s Eve tradition- staying in the house and getting to bed before 12 a.m. I used to hate when my parents lectured me on how dangerous it was to be out on New Years Eve.  But now that I’m a grown up and completely terrified of anyone born in the 90s, I believe them. So how do I spend my New Year’s Eve? Well, I usually like to get in my most comfortable PJs, find something good to binge watch (this year it was Sex and the City), make some comfort food, and fall asleep before the 3rd episode. Unfortunately, this year I was rudely awakened by fireworks or what I hope were fireworks (gunshots sound the same) maybe someone was listening to an LMFAO album.
*All of my thoughts on going out for New Year’s Eve may change if I find myself in a relationship. In which case I will wear the shimmery dress, drink my liver away, dance to Party Rock, and make out with my boo thang like no one is watching. 
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Editors Note: I’m a Miranda in case you were wondering..