That Time I was a Legit Stalker…

We all know I have a terrible time meeting guys in social settings. With my social awkwardness, inability to flirt, and terrible case of resting bitchy face; guys aren’t too keen on striking up a conversation with me.
Thank God for social media. It gives us the ability to peer into someones life that we don’t know and make up a whole story about them which usually isn’t true. I ran across a profile of a guy, lets call him Tom, who struck my fancy. He met most of my soul mate qualities: cute, funny, artsy, and over 30. I found myself scrolling his page, watching his videos, and imagining what it would be like to meet him. Yes, I know this all sounds very creepy, but that’s the world we live in. So I decided to make a move. I followed him and liked a pic from 3 weeks ago. After receiving no response to my obvious IG flirting, I realized I needed to take this to the next level. I turned my social media stalking into actual stalking. My girlfriend and I decided to show up at his DJ set!
52593171Crazy right? In my defense, he posted the flyer on his IG to all his followers. It was a public venue (a bar/arcade spot, that I love), and it’s not like I showed up at his birthday dinner at Chilis. In my mind our meeting would go like this:

I would walk in and he’d look up from the turntables at that very moment. He’d follow me with his eyes as I got change for quarters and walked towards Pac Man. He would then proceed to tell his back up to cover for him. I would be standing next to Pac Man pretending not to notice him approaching. I would go to put my quarter in and look up and he would be standing there and say something smooth like, ‘Can I play too?”. I would then beat him many times at Pac Man while Michael Jackson’s “Rock My World” coincidentally started playing. After we finished playing and talking he would say; “By the way, I’m Tom. We should go get tacos sometime”.
 *RECORD SCRATCH* Then reality set in and I knew exactly what was going to happen when I saw him. I would walk by him a few times, never make eye contact, pretend to be really into any conversation or arcade game I was playing. Basically pretend like I didn’t come to this place to meet my future baby daddy. And that’s exactly what did happen. Well, sort of. My girlfriend I was with met a guy while playing Pac Man (the irony). They hit it off and even exchanged numbers! I did my best wing woman evasive maneuvers and played Centipede next to the DJ booth the rest of the night. Tom packed up and left. I’m sure he never even noticed me…or worse he did and couldn’t wait to get home to tell his friends about the creepy IG girl that came to his show.
Whatever… it all makes sense now. If I hadn’t stalked Tom my friend would not have met her possible potential soul mate. If they do get married it will make for a very interesting reception toast story. Anyway I feel less like a stalker and more like cupid- a semi creepy cupid who is really good at Pac Man.

Three Things….

I feel like my life is moving faster than my blog posts these days. Even Billy (my ADD) has a hard time keeping up. Things have been happening so fast that I’ve found myself starting posts and leaving them unfinished to start another. Since this isn’t a diary and my loyal 1-3 readers don’t need a play by play of my life, let’s just just stick to the important stuff!

1) I ride the train…Riding the train in LA is like being a New Yorker without the financial commitment. You enjoy the same “luxuries” as New Yorkers, like: unreliable trains, smelly train cars, and sketchy people in close proximity. This morning I played a little game called “Sleep or Dead”. I took a seat next to a person hunched over with a jacket over them. They didn’t move. They were either sleep or dead. Thankfully, they got off a the next stop. Sleep for the win!

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a) I also take Uber..I’ve encountered hilarious, awkward, sometimes scary, but mostly awkward Uber drivers like;

The Uber driver with the thick Russian accent (think every stereotypical Russian accent you’ve heard from TV and movies) who actually isn’t Russian. He liked to make fun of Lyft cars and promote Uber Fresh.

“Lyft car is bad, it’s like 1950’s Camry”
I don’t believe they made Camry’s in the 1950’s sir, but okay.

“You hear of Uber fresh? They deliver like crispy chicken wrapped with bacon” Ummm. What?

2) My new gig…I work for  the #1 rated TV network in the country (according to Google) in the business affairs department aka “Options Land“. We track options and set reminders. It is most exhilarating. It’s a temp position till the end of the year so I’m still about that temp life. My office is basically “The Office” minus the hilarious characters. Well there is one character; me, I’m a Jim.


 3) I’m addicted to job hunting…The only analogy I can use to best describe this problem is: a man in a great relationship with an awesome girlfriend who has a “wandering eye”.  I find myself drooling over other job posts anxiously wanting to apply – see what I did there. It’s like I’ve developed whatever the scientific phobia name is for the “fear of being satisfied with a job”.  Being faithful is hard.


I Quit!

Quitting a job you’ve been at for 2 weeks is like breaking up with a guy you just started dating who is more into you than you are into him. You have to give him (your job) the whole “It’s not you, it’s me” spiel. However, I’m terrible at breaking up with people. I’m so bad at the break up convo that I once had a friend do it for me. If only I could get that same friend to come in and quit this job for me too. But I’m a grown ass woman. I need to rip this band aid off on my own.
Last week I was referred by a friend to work in the business affairs department at a major TV network. This network isn’t as cool or attractive as the cable network I temped at before, but it’s no Khole Kardasian either. Anyway after an awkward phone “interview” and an “in person” meeting, I was offered the position. My excitement was bittersweet because I thought about the shoe company that had just welcomed me so warmly. Then I thought eff that I need this money!
I spent the whole weekend dreading the awkward conversation with HR that Monday. But to my surprise she was actually pretty cool about it and even asked if I could refer someone. If last week’s post was the season finale this week must be the start of a new season. Or this is one of those terrible mid season finales.