Life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Yes, I know I just severely dated myself considering those books seemed ancient to me when I read them over 20 years ago! Choose Your Own Adventure books allowed you to make decisions for the character in the story that would either lead to another plot twist or the end of your life. You could always skip ahead to make sure you didn’t make the wrong choice. I realize now that takes the fun/mystery out of it. However, in real life we aren’t able to skip ahead, yet...(until someone invents the flux capacitor).
So whether it’s a job, relationship, or just missing your chance to meet your celebrity crush (James Franco), it all happened for a reason. Since we don’t know that reason yet, we can make up hilarious and/or terrible reasons why things didn’t go the way we planned:
Why didn’t I move to New York?
It would be harder to escape a zombie apocalypse there.
Why am I still single?
James Franco is still single*.
Why have I not written a decent pilot yet?
A specific set of events needed to happen in order for me to have the experience, confidence, and a little bit of faith to write it.
Or I’ve got it all wrong and this happens…
*I am very aware of James Franco’s questionable sexuality. But hey, it could happen.
I wish last week’s drunken bump on the head led to more than just hours of icing it and finding creative hairstyles to hide it. If only it happened on a cooky TV sitcom, maybe my bump on the head would have led to me getting temporary amnesia or some cool new superpowers! I’m not talking about unrealistic powers like, flying or the ability to read people’s minds. 1) I’m afraid of heights and 2) there are some people’s minds you just don’t want to read (i.e. any man). Instead I’d rather just have realistic “superpowers”, like;
The ability to pay attention for long periods of time. Or the opposite of ADD. This skill would allow me to be super productive at work, write a script, or read a book in a reasonable amount of time. It would be similar to what I believe people were like in olden times, pre data overload days. Thomas Edison invented electricity we invented selfies you do the math. Speaking of math…
The ability to do math. Like basic fu*king math. This superpower would give me the math skills of a 10th grade mathlete. I’ve already got the social awkwardness of a 10th grade nerdy girl anyway, which is why I would love…
The ability to flirt. My current flirting strategy; 1) see a man I’m interested in 2) pretend he doesn’t exist 3) stalk his social media without him knowing. My flirting sucks mainly because I lack…
The ability to create small talk. I don’t like small talk. I don’t understand it or know why it’s considered small. What the hell is big talk then? Is it when you talk about bigger things? Maybe I should spark up a conversation about giants in my next awkward small talk encounter.
What “superpowers” do you wish you had?
There comes a time in everyone’s life when they realize it’s time to “get yo life” as the kids say. This was made even more apparent to me after being carried out of a bar this past weekend, waking up with a knot on my forehead, and missing a day of work.
I guess you could say it’s time to chill the fuck out. This may sound like a pretty ungrateful douchy thing to say, but I’m exhausted from going out and much having too much fun with my friends. If April had a name it would be “Happy fun tired unproductive month long extravaganza time.” I spent almost every night, even school nights, out for the last 3 weeks of April, while working 8 days a week and starting an 8-5 office job. One day as I was leaving work, in a zombie like state, my coworker asked if everything was okay. I realized my rock star lifestyle was starting to show up on my face. Then I thought, what am I twenty fucking one years old? Oh hell no! And even then I didn’t go out as much as I do now. It’s time to put my foot down and ground my 31 year old ass for the month of May. One of the terms of my grounding is a good old fashioned social media detox.
Social media is to the 2010’s what crack was to the 80’s. Well, minus the whole loss of life part. But you can still OD on it. OD’ing on social media is when you do nothing with your life, envy other people’s feeds, and are validated by how many likes you receive. So far I’ve deleted Facebook and Instagram from my phone. (Sidebar: they should just merge into Facegram or Instabook to make it easier) Anyway, it’s only been a few days but I’m already experiencing social media FOMO.
Will I last? And if I don’t what does that say about me as a person? I can’t go 30 days without stalking a guy or posting a hilarious status? My goal this month is to write a pilot. The one I’ve been writing about on this blog for the past year or so but haven’t actually quite got to writing. According to Pinterest’s motivational quotes (a social media app I haven’t deleted) I need to “do more and think less”, “trust myself”, and also buy lots of shoes. What did we do before social media? How were our minds distracted from reaching our full potential? TV? Books? Board games? Crack? Who knows. Hopefully putting my goals for May in writing keeps me motivated and focused or least pretend to be.