Reasonably Average Superpowers

I wish last week’s drunken bump on the head led to more than just hours of icing it and finding creative hairstyles to hide it. If only it happened on a cooky TV sitcom, maybe my bump on the head would have led to me getting temporary amnesia or some cool new superpowers! I’m not talking about unrealistic powers like, flying or the ability to read people’s minds. 1) I’m afraid of heights and 2) there are some people’s minds you just don’t want to read (i.e. any man). Instead I’d rather just have realistic “superpowers”, like;
The ability to pay attention for long periods of time. Or the opposite of ADD. This skill would allow me to be super productive at work, write a script, or read a book in a reasonable amount of time. It would be similar to what I believe people were like in olden times, pre data overload days. Thomas Edison invented electricity we invented selfies you do the math. Speaking of math…
The ability to do math. Like basic fu*king math. This superpower would give me the math skills of a 10th grade mathlete. I’ve already got the social awkwardness of a 10th grade nerdy girl anyway, which is why I would love…

The ability to flirt. My current flirting strategy; 1) see a man I’m interested in 2) pretend he doesn’t exist 3) stalk his social media without him knowing. My flirting sucks mainly because I lack…


The ability to create small talk. I don’t like small talk. I don’t understand it or know why it’s considered small. What the hell is big talk then? Is it when you talk about bigger things? Maybe I should spark up a conversation about giants in my next awkward small talk encounter.

What “superpowers” do you wish you had?

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