“I’m Busy”

Remember that time I didn’t have a real job? That time when my biggest problem was forcing myself to go to the gym, write, and not get yelled at by a busy executive? Speaking of busy executives…I feel their pain now. Not that I’m the executive of anything – well I am the executive of cool shit; but at work, I’m basically noob status. However, my days are becoming one large blocked out schedule of meeting invites. In fact, I’m in a meeting right now. We even have meetings about meetings here. And since my brain is fried from all of the meetings, I figured I’d use this time to write about being busy. It’s new to me. I never understood how people, mainly men, with busy occupations couldn’t respond to a text. You know those guys that say, “I got really busy”, or “I had to work late”, and “Sorry I missed your birthday”. I’d respond with, “You’re not that busy, you just posted a pic on Instagram and replied to comments, but I can’t get a text back?” Sorry personal story. Any who now I kinda see how it’s possible! Well, kinda…

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I like to think of myself as a master multi-tasker – as most Millennials are. I can check Snaps, update my Facebook status, read an article, watch funny videos sent in a group chat, drive*, and deliver a baby at the same damn time! But I’m finding it harder to keep up. I even missed a friend’s birthday. I know this may sound like I’m complaining, but I’m really not. It’s exciting to feel like your job is important and that I’m a real grown up doing grown up thangs. I enjoy the craziness. In fact, I thrive in it. Now If I could only get this pilot written. I’ll just make a calendar appointment to do it in between my ‘eat and sleep’ invites.

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*I don’t drive and text…anymore #itcanwait

How to be Social

These days I’m focusing on areas of my life I can approve upon; writing, money, love, shadow boxing, etc. I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I feel like it’s never enough. Because if it were enough I would feel that comforting feeling of contentment. I rarely feel that way unless I binge watch an entire season in one day on Netflix. If I could just turn those shortcomings into wisdom to share with the rest of the world maybe I would feel like my life has more meaning. So here are are few things I’m not so good at, but if you do the inverse of what I do, you might enhance your life by at least like 5%.

How To Be a Social Media Burnout
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Step 1) Download every popular social media app (Facebook, Twitter, Black Twitter, Instagram aka “The Gram”, Snapchat, Tinder…on second thought don’t download Tinder.
Step 2) Accept ALL notifications.
Step 3) Check your phone every 2-5 minutes seconds around the clock, including sleeping hours, you never know what you’re missing in different time zones.
Step 4) Post an update of your everyday life, i.e. Just woke up, Just took a piss, washed my hands, just kidding I didn’t wash my hands..lol *smiley face*
Step 5) Try to live a normal life.
Step 6) Repeat.
How To Stay A Single Girl
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Step 1) Be emotionally guarded.
Step 2) Love being with yourself more than you love being with anyone else.
Step 3) Try to develop agoraphobia*
Step 3a) Succeed.
Step 4) IF you are placed in a social setting check your phone constantly. (See How To Be A Social Media Burnout)
Step 5) Don’t simile, especially when you are in a social setting. Even if you think of something really funny like a joke from Modern Family, don’t crack a smile, a smirk, a grin, nothing!
Step 6) If a male does approach you, be courteous. Answer all his questions. Ask him none. All while checking your phone and making zero eye contact.
Step 7) Enjoy your life as a spinster.
Do the inverse of this and hey maybe you’ll meet you; “A rapper, an NBA player, or at least a dude with a car” – Kanye.
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*Agoraphobia – Fear of leaving the house.