How to be Social

These days I’m focusing on areas of my life I can approve upon; writing, money, love, shadow boxing, etc. I’m sure I’m not alone when I say I feel like it’s never enough. Because if it were enough I would feel that comforting feeling of contentment. I rarely feel that way unless I binge watch an entire season in one day on Netflix. If I could just turn those shortcomings into wisdom to share with the rest of the world maybe I would feel like my life has more meaning. So here are are few things I’m not so good at, but if you do the inverse of what I do, you might enhance your life by at least like 5%.

How To Be a Social Media Burnout
Step 1) Download every popular social media app (Facebook, Twitter, Black Twitter, Instagram aka “The Gram”, Snapchat, Tinder…on second thought don’t download Tinder.
Step 2) Accept ALL notifications.
Step 3) Check your phone every 2-5 minutes secondsĀ around the clock, including sleeping hours, you never know what you’re missing in different time zones.
Step 4) Post an update of your everyday life, i.e. Just woke up, Just took a piss, washed my hands, just kidding I didn’t wash my *smiley face*
Step 5) Try to live a normal life.
Step 6) Repeat.
How To Stay A Single Girl
Step 1) Be emotionally guarded.
Step 2) Love being with yourself more than you love being with anyone else.
Step 3) Try to develop agoraphobia*
Step 3a) Succeed.
Step 4) IF you are placed in a social setting check your phone constantly. (See How To Be A Social Media Burnout)
Step 5) Don’t simile, especially when you are in a social setting. Even if you think of something really funny like a joke from Modern Family, don’t crack a smile, a smirk, a grin, nothing!
Step 6) If a male does approach you, be courteous. Answer all his questions. Ask him none. All while checking your phone and making zero eye contact.
Step 7) Enjoy your life as a spinster.
Do the inverse of this and hey maybe you’ll meet you; “A rapper, an NBA player, or at least a dude with a car” – Kanye.
*Agoraphobia – Fear of leaving the house.

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