This is why I’m Single.

So I don’t know if you guys know this or not but I’m single. Like really, really, really, fu*king single. Not in the annoying “omg I’m over 30 and single” kind of way but in the “oh yeah, I’m not dating anyone *Kanye Shurg*” kind of way.

​But there are times when I develop these teenage crushes. I say “teenage” because my crushes are usually someone I don’t know or have had very limited interactions with, like that guy that worked at Trader Joes that I believed was my soul mate, but was too scared to ask him what aisle the Sunflower Seed Butter was on. TJ’s guy excluded, most times these guys turn out to be either very openly gay or very effeminate. Not that there’s anything wrong with being either of those things, it just becomes a problem for me when I think I have an actual chance at dating them. Which now that I’m thinking about it, it kinda explains why I’m single. It’s one thing to go for unavailable guys, but I seem to go for the most obviously unavailable ones. I should probably see a therapist about it OR just continue blogging about it. Yeah, I’m gonna go with the latter.

Here’s a perfect example, we all remember that time I was a legit stalker. The guy I found through a friend of a friend, of a friend of friend, of a friend’s Instagram, which magically transported me to his page. Is there a term for this? When you go through multiple Instagram friend lists and don’t remember how the hell you got there? It’s like walking through that gate in that one movie, Stargate, it was also a TV show probably a book too. I’m a nerd, I know. Anyway, I had my speculations about that guy because he used to post a ton of Prince pics. But c’mon, who doesn’t love Prince??

Then the other day, over brunch, I told a friend I found that guy from scrolling through her Instagram friend’s list, which led me through the portal to his Instagram page. So we pulled up his page and my former crush is full on out of the closet;  pics of men, blatant gay innuendoes, and he’s even dressed in drag in one of his pics.

​(An actual meme from his IG account)
I tired to explain to my friends that these posts weren’t on his page when I stalked followed him, but they couldn’t hear me over their incessant laughter and teasing. So where do we go from here? How do I meet a straight guy that’s into me as much as I’m into him? I’m seriously taking all comments and suggestions. In the meantime, I’ll be watching Stargate…