Social Meltdown

Can we all agree that the internet is super creepy? It contains all of our information, like ALL of it, where we went to school, what our favorite foods are, who we cyber stalk, etc. And when we die, our profiles live on the internet forever….F-O-R-E-V-E-R.
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How’s that for a Black Mirror episode premise? With all this public information how does anyone keep anything on the DL? Well, we don’t really, you basically have to be a web developer to figure out Facebook’s privacy settings. But we need the internet it’s our friend. It tells us when it’s a friend’s birthday, what video has gone viral in a given day, why we should or shouldn’t vote for someone, when our arch nemesis gets that job we wanted, when our ex that we’re still in love with has moved on, when someone has died. Yup, the internet sure is our best friend. But what if it all just went away?  And by ‘it’ I mean, social media.  What if every social media platform that ever existed; Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Vine (wait that one is already gone), hell, even Myspace, was deleted? And there was no way to recover this information. How would our lives change? Well because I’m a weirdo I’ve actually given this some significant thought:
Our circle of friends would get smaller – People would probably develop PTSD from not having access to everyone’s lives everyday so they would create massive text groups so everyone could stay updated on each other’s lives. But what about those friends you only interact with on social media?  You don’t have their number so would that ‘connection’ just go away? Are there really people you call your friend whose number you don’t have? I guess DM’s and @’s have replaced phone numbers.
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We’d have to enjoy moments privately – What will you do when you take a trip, get a dish with a dope presentation, or have a date night with your new bae, and there’s nowhere to post that photo you can’t help but take? I guess you can still take the picture, look at it occasionally when you want to remember that moment, maybe even show it to a few people. But will you really feel validated if the picture isn’t capable of getting ‘likes’?
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We’d have to listen to each other in conversations – When you go out with friends and there’s no social media to constantly scroll through, how are you supoosed to get through that outing? You and your friends might have to, god forbid, talk to each other. And not just talk to each other but actually listen to what each other are saying instead of interrupting them every 5 mins with a new meme or gif of the salt sprinkling guy, which I have to admit is pretty hilarious. The internet has no chill.
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We’d have to look elsewhere for celeb gossip – How would we know what Kim K. and Kanye are doing if we can’t follow @shaderoom anymore? How Sway? We could probably pick up a trashy gossip magazine that will have pictures of them from a week ago with an inaccurate caption or headline. Which is VERY different from looking at a gossip IG account.
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We’d have to be productive at work – This one would probably affect me the most because I literately look at social media 85 times a day according to some article I read.
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(me at work)
We’d have to become humans again. You know, individuals capable of thoughts and emotions? Not the pseudo-human-drones social media has turned us into.
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I’m sure most of you who read this think I’m one of those anti-social-media-hippies who probably doesn’t have a TV. Clearly, I own a TV and watch it everyday. I’m just the average millennial noticing how we’re becoming less and less human due to our lack of interaction with reality. Also if the Russians really wanted to shake things up they’d just delete every social media platform and just wait…

Getting Familiar

So I go to the gym sometimes. 24 Hour Fitness because I’m basic AF.  I’ve been going to same 24 Hour Fitness for the past 2 or 3 years. I usually go around the same time through the week, between 5-6am. So naturally, I see the same front desk guy every time I go. Pause. Let’s back up to what I look like going to the gym between 5-6am; my hair is pulled back into a low ponytail that screams butch lesbian or mother of 4, I’m wearing a oversized KCRW hoodie, workout pants, and my eyebrows haven’t been filled in.
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So basically, I look like a wildebeest and I try not to make eye contact with humans. But that front desk guy, the black guy with dreads that would be cute if he didn’t work at 24 Hour Fitness, ALWAYS speaks to me. I know it’s his job to greet me as I’m checking in but is it also his job to start making small talk?
Front Desk Guy: “Hey I’ve seen you in here twice this week, good for you, enjoy your workout”, “You look tired this morning, that workout ought to help, enjoy your workout”, “Hey you’re here at a different time, you’re switching it up on me, enjoy your workout”.
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I’m sorry I don’t want my gym to be the place where everybody knows my name. I want to sweat in solitude and go home. The real issue here is that I just don’t like people getting familiar with me. This isn’t the 1950s where you walk down the street and every shop owner knows you. I don’t need the Trader Joes employee knowing my favorite snack (sweet potato tortilla chips). While there are some people who love being recognized at the establishments they frequent because it makes them feel important, I do not. Being a regular is just another sign that you’re getting old because you have a routine. For example, have you ever noticed when an old person tells you about a place they go to, they’ve been going there for ‘years’? Nope, not me. I’ll just keep juggling 4 Trader Joes just so no one gets familiar and directs me to the sweet potato tortilla chip aisle when I walk in.
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Hey – It’s Been a While

Hey – it’s been a while. I start email’s like that now, it’s like; [greeting] “-” [body of email]. It’s quick and to the point not like the comma. The comma is a foreshadowing of something long and possibly unpleasant to read. Anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to, writing robotic emails all day long and doing the work of two people. There are days when I’m so stressed out that I just lock up, freeze like a computer screen, and the rainbow pinwheel starts spinning in my mind. Then something snaps and I get this weird glaze over my eyes and start speaking to everyone like a Stepford wife.

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So when my job asked us who was taking time off for the holidays I immediately replied to that email: Hey – Abso-freakin’-lutely. No, I don’t have any real travel plans and yes, most of my family live in LA. Why are those the only times when we feel it’s acceptable to take vacation days? How about when you’re so stressed out that you can’t can’t sleep through the night, your weigh fluctuates, your face breaks out, and you have neck and shoulder pains from where you hold your stress. Why don’t we take days off to take a break from that? As bad as all that sounds I still feel like I’m just being dramatic and this is normal, everyone feels like this at work, right? Our jobs and society have us programmed to believe that we need to prove something that we need to kill ourselves in order to be happy. F*ck that! I had a realization the other day after one of my many breakdowns and that realization is that; This. Shit. Doesn’t. Matter. We’re not saving lives here people, it’s just a job, and I hear there’s more of them out there. Oh you didn’t send that email? You were late? You missed that meeting? But did you die though? No.

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So yeah, I would have liked to go to the grand canyon with my days off but I also just needed to decompress and get away from work before I had one of those private breakdowns, publicly. And yes, my company is cool as shit, but my job, my job is just shitty.

That was pretty agro but whatevs<—- And yeah, I talk like that sometimes.

RSVP

I RSVP to a lot of stuff. I probably don’t go to half of the stuff I RSVP for. Actually, I don’t go to most of it. I’m not saying that to brag about how cool my social life is or how popular I am, I say that to illustrate how useless an RSVP is at gauging how many people will attend an event. It’s 2016 there has to be a better way. Like, the government creating time machines exclusively for people to travel to the future to see how many people actually attend their event.

I don’t like RSVP’ing for events because chances are I’m not going to be able to go for reasons outside of my control. Reasons like; work, a conflicting event, traffic, or a new episode of Mr. Robot. Honestly, I hate committing to events because I hate obligation. Once I click ‘will attend’ I’ve sealed my future fate. I like to live in the present moment, the here, the now. What if I’m too tired to go when the day arrives? What if I get invited to a cooler event? What if I don’t find anyone to go with? Or what if I meet my soulmate and he asks me out on a date and I’m like, “Sorry bruh, I can’t go out with you because I RSVP’d this event”? Hey, it could happen. I like to consider myself a bit of a spontaneous planner. Subconsciously, I know I don’t want to go to that event or won’t be able to make it, but I don’t come to that realization till the very last minute. It usually goes something like this;

 
Stage One: Yes! I’m so excited about this event I can’t wait to go!
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Stage Two: That event is this weekend… I’m gonna be super tired from work…but I’ll still go. At least it’s open bar.
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Stage 3: Damnit, that event is in two days?! I still need to do laundry, clean my apt, go grocery shopping, find something to wear, get my nails done, do my taxes, slay a dragon…
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Stage 4: Shit! That event is tomorrow! I wonder if they’ll be mad if I don’t make it? I don’t even have anyone to go with….but I RSVP’d.
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Stage 5: FU*K! That event is in 2 hours. Can I make it there in 405 traffic? Ugh, I hate the 405. I’m gonna be so late. I hate being late! **Gets in Un-RSVP time machine and goes back in time to reply “will not attend”**
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Donald Trump or Alf?

RANT: The first presidential debate was last night and everyone was watching. Not because everyone was actually interested in hearing a civil and logical debate about the issues, but because everyone wanted to hear all the ridiculous things Donald Trump had to say. Even the people who hate him still want to hear what he has to say because it gives them ammunition for their social media posts.

So no, I didn’t watch the debate. Not because I hate Donald Trump, but because that debate wasn’t meant to give us a clear understanding of where the candidates stood on the issues. That debate was meant encourage even more uninformed opinions. It was like watching a really long Buzzfeed video. I’d rather read the transcript of the debate and highlight the parts where the candidates talked about issues that mattered to me the most and not watch some shit show that was meant to give people something to tweet about. End of Rant.

Anyway, here’s a short list of people who I believe are more qualified than Donald Trump to be president:

#1 Alf – Yes, I know technically he’s an illegal alien but he’s very charismatic and is good at making new friends. Which is exactly what we need when it comes to foreign relations, just as long as they don’t have a pet cat.
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#2 The “ain’t nobody got time for that” lady – I think we all want a president who’s going to tell it like it is. Global warming – ain’t nobody got time for that!
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#3 The Monster from Stranger Things – You think terrorists would f*ck with a country that can send them to the upside down?
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#4 The Voice from my Waze App – She knows her way around the world and I feel safer when she’s in charge. And being a native Los Angeleno who frequents the 405, their campaign slogan is everything, “Outsmarting Traffic, Together“, they already have my vote!
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#5 Whoever this guy is:

What Are You Watching Right Now?

What are you watching right now….
Is the question I use to judge most people I know or meet.  If they are the average millennial they will most likely answer with any of these shows; House of Cards, Stranger Things, Game of Thrones, Empire, Power, or Bloodline. Which are all great shows. But why the f*ck is almost no one watching Mr. Robot!? I haven’t been this excited and intrigued by a show since Breaking Bad. Let me back up, I’m a TV connoisseur, so I pride myself on knowing good TV and great writing.  When I watch shows I break down the story and figure out the show’s formula. All shows have a formula, it isn’t a bad thing, it’s just that some of those formula’s are predictable. And I get bored and stop watching.
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But Mr. Robot’s formula, is f*cked up mind blowing shit that makes you question everything from society to existence. The twists and turns make me kind of grateful that no one in my timeline is watching and there are no spoiler social media posts for me to stumble upon. Okay, I can’t rant and rave about a show and not give you concrete examples about why I love it. So here you go;
1) Hacker Culture – I’m not a hacker, I don’t know any hackers, but this show does a great job of making me understand hacker culture. You realize they aren’t all just out there to steal your identity or to leak photos. Some of them have a serious agenda.
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2) Rami Malek – I go back and forth with myself if he’s a great actor or he’s just great at playing himself onscreen. Which really doesn’t matter because he’s so good that you believe in his psychosis. A girlfriend of mine who also watches the show had this to say about him “his face is so ethereal”, Look up ‘ethereal’ (I had to) and then look at this picture again.
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3) Christen Slater – Like when was the last time you saw Christen Slater? I love this show just for casting him.
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4) It gets in your head – When Elliot has gaps in his memory the audience is left with gaps in the story. You are left trying to put together the missing pieces of his sanity. You basically know what it feels like to be insane. Make sense? It shouldn’t.
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5) Strong female leads. Darlene – bad ass hacker. Shayla – just a boss bi*ch in general.  Joanna Wellick – I legit have nightmares about her, she’s like all of the witches from every disney fairytale put together.
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6) The way it looks – The way Mr. Robot is shot gives it even more life. The dark colors, the signature blurry then focused close ups, and the way the camera tells you who a character is.
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Okay I’m done being a fan girl. I don’t know, just watch the show. I don’t highly recommend anything in life, maybe brushing at twice a day, I recommend that. But if you watch Mr. Robot and don’t like it, I’ll give you $500! Just kidding. But just watch it so I have someone to talk about it with.
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That time I was a real TV Writer

I debated on writing this post as I signed an NDA and am legally not allowed to talk about the following experience (in detail). But who cares about laws and authority these days given the state of America….

Anywho, I’d like to share my first experience working in a writer’s room for a soon to be aired animated series. So how did the hell did I even get this opportunity?! I knew the creator. But before you exit this this post and chalk it up to me just being extremely lucky, please know that creators of shows most times don’t have complete control of the shows they create. There is a demi god called a Showrunner, who, yes, you guessed it, run the show. So when I ran into my animated show creator friend at Ralph’s and he told me they were looking for female writers, I knew I still had some hurdles to jump through. I text requested his email before I even left the Ralph’s parking lot and sent him my best animated spec script. Then I waited….
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About a week later he emailed back and said they aren’t able to hire a staff writer (full time writer) but they are hiring Punch Up Writers, writers who are brought in during re writes to make the script funnier. Which isn’t the full time staff writing gig I was hoping for but it’s still one step closer to my dream. Then after a few emails of him updating me on the status, I got the green light that I would be brought in to work in the writer’s room for a day! By work, I mean, contracted and paid! And just like that, years of working temp jobs, 7 days a week, and feeling like I should just settle for a life of shattered dreams, comes this one simple email with a glimmer of hope. That was dramatic but you get the point.
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I came in for the table read and tried to act like it wasn’t my first rodeo but in reality I felt like a kid on their first trip to Disneyland. I sat in the table read room peeping the scene; writers, Showrunner, voice actors, executives, random comedians, and PA’s. I tired to contain myself when I was told to sit on the seat with the place card that said “Writer” on it. After the table read we all headed to the writers room where we ordered lunch and got to work on the script. Here’s how a punch up session works;
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1) The script is displayed on a big screen connected to the Writer’s Assistant’s laptop where they make the edits in real time.
2) The Showrunner goes through each page of the script and asks if there are any pitches (jokes, ideas, etc) for each page. If so, anyone in the room is welcome to call them out.
3) If the Showrunner likes it, it goes in the script. A few of my pitches actually made it in the script 🙂
4) We do this for the duration of the day/script and joke around in between.
Pretty sweet gig, right?
You may be wondering how an undercover introvert like myself was able to handle all of this. Well it helped that I was given a boost of confidence by the creator beforehand. He told me he read my stuff, knew I was funny, and the Showrunner did too. Also that I should just pitch as much as possible even if they don’t use it. Basically, don’t be shy. I was in that room because I deserved to be in that room. Knowing that, I knew I had to prove myself. At the end of the day I even pitched a story idea for a future script. I was also bought back for another session and hoped my two random days off didn’t raise a red flag at my job.
So now what? I’ve been so busy with work and trying to come down from the high of getting a taste of my dream job that I haven’t been able to process it all. I guess I’ll just do the only logical thing there is to do, work on my future acceptance speech.
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