So I go to the gym sometimes. 24 Hour Fitness because I’m basic AF. I’ve been going to same 24 Hour Fitness for the past 2 or 3 years. I usually go around the same time through the week, between 5-6am. So naturally, I see the same front desk guy every time I go. Pause. Let’s back up to what I look like going to the gym between 5-6am; my hair is pulled back into a low ponytail
that screams butch lesbian or mother of 4, I’m wearing a oversized KCRW hoodie, workout pants, and my eyebrows haven’t been filled in.
So basically, I look like a wildebeest
and I try not to make eye contact with humans. But that front desk guy, the black guy with dreads that would be cute if he didn’t work at 24 Hour Fitness, ALWAYS
speaks to me. I know it’s his job to greet me as I’m checking in but is it also his job to start making small talk?
Front Desk Guy: “Hey I’ve seen you in here twice this week, good for you, enjoy your workout”, “You look tired this morning, that workout ought to help, enjoy your workout”, “Hey you’re here at a different time, you’re switching it up on me, enjoy your workout”.
I’m sorry I don’t want my gym to be the place where everybody knows my name. I want to sweat in solitude and go home. The real issue here is that I just don’t like people getting familiar with me. This isn’t the 1950s where you walk down the street and every shop owner knows you. I don’t need the Trader Joes employee knowing my favorite snack (sweet potato tortilla chips). While there are some people who love being recognized at the establishments they frequent because it makes them feel important, I do not. Being a regular is just another sign that you’re getting old because you have a routine. For example, have you ever noticed when an old person tells you about a place they go to, they’ve been going there for ‘years’? Nope, not me. I’ll just keep juggling 4 Trader Joes just so no one gets familiar and directs me to the sweet potato tortilla chip aisle when I walk in.
So I fucks with Trader Joe’s, heavy. I don’t know why I needed to start this post off like a rap song but that’s just how much I love it. It’s the single person’s grocery store; they have lots of individual meals, most people use the little hand basket instead of a full sized shopping cart, and the 12 items or less line is always poppin’.
I also have this little theory about Trader Joe’s. I believe that to keep me coming back and spending my hard earned money on (insert any Trader Joe’s product) they sprinkle crack on it. Yup, I believe the only logical explanation for the tastiness and inability to put the bag down, is that it’s laced with crack. Don’t believe me? Please see my curated list below and test my theory for yourself.
Sunflower Seed Butter- People look at me crazy when I tell them about this, but I cannot stress enough how good this shit is. Pair it with some green apples and you wont be able to eat regular nut butter’s (i.e. peanut or almond) again.
Sweet Potato Tortilla Chips– Another item my friends scoffed at when I brought it to recent super bowl party but once everyone tired it, they realized they shouldn’t judge a seemingly healthy/boring snack item by it’s cover. I works with all dips, spicy hummus, gauc, salsa, etc.
Mini oatmeal cookies – I could go through a whole bucket of these things and not realize it. It’s as if they materialize in your mouth one after another, after another, after another. The only way to stop is to throw them in the trash can…outside….in another neighborhood…on trash day. Because if you don’t, you will go back to that trashcan for another hit.
Latin Style Black Bean Soup. – I know what you’re thinking; “Ugh, gross who eats soup? Kiana you’re old AF!” but listen, this soup is so delicious and it’s got a kick to it with chipotle peppers and garlic. The other day I tired it with some crumbled up sweet potato tortilla chips and BOOM instant vegan tortilla soup!
Spicy Tomato Hummus. It goes good with the sweet potato tortilla chips (or regular tortilla chips), celery, or in a wrap. And it’s only $1.99 y’all!
And the best thing I’ve ever tasted at Trader Joe’s, their Gluten Free Granola.
The serving size is stupid though. I feel like they need to just change it to a whole bag so I won’t feel bad about eating 11 servings in one sitting. Mix it in your oatmeal, yogurt, or ice cream!!
Also if you want to test any of these items out without commitment, Trader Joe’s lets you sample anything in the store, ANYTHING.
Their lemonade is pretty good too…
So I don’t know if you guys know this or not but I’m single. Like really, really, really, fu*king single. Not in the annoying “omg I’m over 30 and single” kind of way but in the “oh yeah, I’m not dating anyone *Kanye Shurg*” kind of way.
But there are times when I develop these teenage crushes. I say “teenage” because my crushes are usually someone I don’t know or have had very limited interactions with, like that guy that worked at Trader Joes
that I believed was my soul mate, but was too scared to ask him what aisle the Sunflower Seed Butter was on. TJ’s guy excluded, most times these guys turn out to be either very openly gay or very effeminate. Not that there’s anything wrong with being either of those things, it just becomes a problem for me when I think I have an actual chance at dating them. Which now that I’m thinking about it, it kinda explains why I’m single. It’s one thing to go for unavailable guys, but I seem to go for the most obviously
unavailable ones. I should probably see a therapist about it OR just continue blogging about it. Yeah, I’m gonna go with the latter.
Here’s a perfect example, we all remember that time I was a legit stalker
. The guy I found through a friend of a friend, of a friend of friend, of a friend’s Instagram, which magically transported me to his page. Is there a term for this? When you go through multiple Instagram friend lists and don’t remember how the hell you got there? It’s like walking through that gate in that one movie, Stargate,
it was also a TV show probably a book too. I’m a nerd, I know. Anyway, I had my speculations about that guy because he used to post a ton of Prince pics. But c’mon, who doesn’t love Prince??
Then the other day, over brunch, I told a friend I found that guy from scrolling through her Instagram friend’s list, which led me through the portal to his Instagram page. So we pulled up his page and my former crush is full on out of the closet; pics of men, blatant gay innuendoes, and he’s even dressed in drag in one of his pics.
(An actual meme from his IG account)
I tired to explain to my friends that these posts weren’t on his page when I
stalked followed him, but they couldn’t hear me over their incessant laughter and teasing. So where do we go from here? How do I meet a straight guy that’s into me as much as I’m into him? I’m seriously taking all comments and suggestions. In the meantime, I’ll be watching Stargate…
I’m getting old. Which used to be a hard pill to swallow. But now I just swallow my many vitamins, anti aging tonics, and accept it. Aside from the obvious physical changes; slower metabolism, grey hairs popping up, and having to brush my teeth all the time to ward off old people breath, there are a few other things that indicate my journey into geriatrics.
I’m a public radio station member. I have no problem supporting KCRW because it’s the shit! But if 21 year old Kiana were asked to join a public supported radio station she might say; “Talk radio is for old people”.
I enjoy various soups. Classic old people meal. And the other day I even made tomato soup from scratch! That exclamation point was genuine excitement by the way.
I care about what goes on in the world. Not that I didn’t care about what went on the world before I became 30. I just realized that one day my generation will be running things so I pray they get their shit together.
I try to dress age appropriate. I have to stop myself from buying novelty tees with trendy sayings on them like; “I woke up like this” or “Twerk Team Captain”.
Friends with benefits are out of the question. What do I look like? A 21 year old? A basketball ‘wife’? Video vixen? A chick with low self esteem? I think you get the point.
I pay bills when I receive them (sometimes)– There’s nothing like the feeling of having your bills paid weeks before they’re due.– Some old person.
I love shopping for home goods. I should probably get a tattoo of Trader Joes & Target so they know it’s real. Evevn though I don’t have a family to shop for I’ve come to the conclusion that is impossible to spend less than $50 on any Traget trip. And I have to go to Trader Joes at least twice a week to re up on produce and my favorite snacks.
I enjoy early bedtimes and naps. Who ever said they can sleep when they die must have had a sad tired life. With my schedule and aspirations I need all the rest I can get.
I play the lotto occasionally. Not because I think I will win but because that’s just what old people do.
I don’t know who new celebrities are. I have to stay current on my pop culture so it saddens me when I don’t know the difference between an Ariana Grande or a Vanessa Hudgens. That’s the same thing right?